Ever since Lily came into my life, I haven’t had a lot of time to think about much except baby, baby, baby. While having to spend all this time at home with the husband and baby, every so often I feel a tinge of loneliness and wish that I had more girlfriends who live nearby. I guess over the years, I’ve just learned to keep to myself. Friends seem to come and go, and some of them come back while others stay gone. I think in the past, I’ve worked harder to keep certain friends in my life even when the relationship is no longer healthy for either of us. Now, as time matures and so have I, I realize that saying goodbye doesn’t have to be a bad thing. With so many facets of one personality in one person, it’s a miracle how anyone can stay friends with someone else for longer than a few years. I’ve been “searching,” more or less, for a perfect girlfriend for years. Someone who isn’t “weird” and run by a similar moral compass as I do, yet has a sense of humor and is intelligent and interested in the same social and political issues as I am. I want an equal – not someone I have to watch or have watch over me. I want someone unselfish who doesn’t always compare herself to me, or want more of me or less of me.

In other words, I want a super girl-friend who can read my mind and know exactly what I want at all times. Is that too much to ask?!

I also want someone normal, someone who isn’t always into drama (as sometimes I’m very dramatic so I would like someone to balance me out in this category.. heh). Just a casual friendship that I can trust implicitly — someone I can tell anything to and not feel judged or condemned. And at the same time, I would like this friend to also be able to tell me anything and not feel judged or condemned. This part is harder, because sometimes I tend to want to tell people what to do. Realizing that about myself, I work very hard these days to let things go and let people live their own lives. It’s not easy sometimes. I’m a nosy bitch. Heh.

I hope for my daughter that she will find someone who suits her well in the friendship area. I’ve had brief glimpses of what it feels like to be and have a best friend who you can trust so much and who trusts you so much, and I really hope and wish that Lily can have this too. The only thing different from my experience is that I hope she can somehow make it last and keep this friendship for longer than I’ve ever been able to.

Twitch, twitch, twitch, said the second hand on the clock. Twitching into space, into darkness, into light. Time never falters or fails anyone. Then again, time never took anyone’s side, either. Twitch, twitch, twitch, like the slow blood flow through the vein. Twitch, twitch, twitch, like the scheming mind of a villain, ready to pounce into the night and take his first life for the evening. Twitch, twitch, twitch, like the psychopath banging his head against the padded wall in an institution forgotten by humanity. Time is built on impatience, boredom, energy, sunshine, and even love. Time is everything and nothing at once, gravitating towards those who wait and those who cannot. Time is the funny bone of experience… you forget it’s there until it really hurts, until something bangs it and you’re brutally awaken into reality again. Time reminds you that you can’t take anything too seriously, yet you must take yourself seriously because you can’t go back. There is no machine, as much as HG Wells would love to think so, that controls where you go and when you go. There is no physics, as much as professors of universities would like you to believe, that could explain what happens when the second hand and the minute hand and the hour hand can’t be turned back. The second you turn it back, the clock becomes ruined. The watch no longer makes sense.

Time can be wasted and spent wisely, though for who to judge which is which no one knows. And here I am, setting against a timely fortune of experience, life, and wonder. Again. Here I am, playing valiantly and foolishly with time. As it twitches, twitches, twitches out of my hand.