It’s been a while since I last updated on this site. That sounded like the start of a confession in a church somewhere. I have lots to say, but it seems that I have very little time to say it in, so I’ll go ahead and see what I can do while I am here.

It’s the start of a new year, and I’m determined to make it a good one. Last year was awesome, marked by the birth of our baby girl, Lily Bean. This year, we continue to have many more “firsts,” from her first crawling experience, to her first steps, to her first birthday, to her first words. It will be so exciting. I can hardly wait. I watch her grow and it seems like she is growing so fast. There are many things I worry about, but I also have to remind me that her adulthood doesn’t come overnight — it is marked by slow and gradual experiences, gradual lessons, and gradual parenting. We will do what we can to ensure that she has the most stable upbringing to prepare her for a stable adulthood. Whatever the case, I can’t imagine ever loving her less. It feels like everyday, the love grows and grows.

I sing this song to her… it has the melody of “You are my sunshine” but we’ve changed the lyrics around:

You are my Lily,
My baby Lily,
You make me happy
Every single day

I know you know, dear
How much I love you
It grows more and more everyday…

We’ve been singing versions of this song ever since she was born, and now every time she hears the start of it, her whole body relaxes and becomes limp. She would stop crying, and just nestle into our arms. She’d rest her little head on my shoulder, and sometimes even let out a long sigh. As if everything is perfect with the world. As long as the song keeps going, and she is in Mommy’s arms, everything is perfect with the world.

It’s amazing how wonderful motherhood feels. I feel like I’ve been born to play this role in life.

Last year was marked with many good things. Some things still bug me, but I am still and will always be working on bettering myself, not holding grudges. Sometimes, though, I know that I have to let go, and the best way to do that is to just… purge. Purge whatever is left that is blackening my heart. Purge the last vestige of things gone past that I can’t yet let go of. I have come to realize that the more I deny myself true feelings — both good and not so wanted — the more I “suffer” inside this head of mine. Every emotion is valid, regardless of how they make me feel. When I accept that, I am more readily able to move on. And I find that this site is more able to help me carry on, accept myself, and just “be.” It is the site that bares my soul.

Recently (or not so recently — I don’t exactly recall), I found out that a certain ex-friend of mine who is also pregnant is naming her child after the same name as Lily. Granted, “Lily” is a nickname, and not her legal name. She is actually named “Lilias,” after her great-grandmother, Dave’s maternal grandmother, who lives downstairs below us. We’re very close to her, and naming our firstborn baby girl after her was an honor. She feels the same way. It was an easy decision to make. We had thought about it for a while — years, in fact. We were too superstitious to dare hope that our first baby would be a girl so that we can indeed make true this plan of ours. And when we found out we would be blessed with a baby girl, the decision was immediate and mutual — we would call her Lilias. “Lily” for short.

“Lily Bean” is indeed a nickname. Everyone calls her Lily, or Lily Bean, or some derivative of the two. The name is not just pulled out of a hat. It is special to us because it is a family name. Her middle name is “An,” after my mother, which means “Peace.” Together, she is our little peace child, our little “peace lily,” so to speak.

So, when I found out that this previous “friend” of mine is also pregnant with a baby girl (which I was very happy about, knowing that she wanted a baby for a while now) and is also planning on naming her “Lily,” I was a little miffed. But then, I got over it. “Lily” by itself is a very common name, and I hear it’s making a comeback into the general population. However, what got to me even more miffed was that she felt that WE had stolen the name from HER.

Now, see, shit like this just makes me into a raging, petty little bitch.

First of all, she’s been trying to copy my life for years now.

Second of all, she was the one who never let me inside, so how the hell would I know she was planning on naming her kid “Lily” in the first place? It’s not like we talked. She called me her “best friend” but it was more of a stature for her. It was “cool” having Helen as a best friend, as long as she didn’t have to actually do the work of BEING a best friend. How fucking clueless can someone be? I think she should grow some social skills and learn how to be a friend before accusing others of stealing anything from her.

Third of all, our Lily is named after her great grandmother. There was NO copying involved, and this name is a family name. How on God’s green fucking earth did we copy her? Seriously. How fucking dense can someone be?

Fourth of all, why the FUCK would you choose to name your kid the same name of someone else’s child who you just stopped a relationship with? How tacky, and full of bad energy. Geez. I think it’s incredibly ridiculous that she is also naming her baby “Lily,” and I feel that it is downright WEIRD. WEIRD, I tell you.

Or, in Dave’s words, “That’s absolutely psychotic.” Not only to take a name that has already been taken by your ex-friend, but to turn around and accuse your ex-friend of stealing it from YOU. That’s psychotic. What did we do? Did we go back in time, and make his grandmother be named “Lilias” when she was born in the early 1900s just so we can now copy my ex-friend in naming our baby “Lily”?

Right. Again: psychotic.

Okay. Now that I got that off my chest, I feel a lot better. I suppose I should be flattered. After all, who was it who said that imitation is the greatest form of flattery? Hell, if I were other pregnant women, I would pray and pray for my baby girl to be just like this Lily Bean, too, right? Heh. We have the best little girl ever. She is beautiful, sweet, kind, and a generally easy-going little baby. Who wouldn’t want to have a baby like her?

Yes, yes. I keep telling myself that. But I feel like I just purged, and now I can move on. Let the psycho-friend have her imitation baby. I don’t care. It’s not like we’re friends anymore and therefore it wouldn’t matter what she names her kid. Rumpelstiltskin, for all I care.