Sometimes I am an old, bitter woman who holds grudges. I’m not proud of that aspect of myself, though I’ve come to really just accept it and move on (that sounds like quite the hypocritical statement, haha). My birth sign is scorpio, though I come just at the very end of libra, as well. Most of the time, my nature tends to shift towards the libra side of things, but every so often the scorpio in me jumps out as well. Sometimes when I least expect it.

When I say I hold grudges, I do really mean it. Like, for instance, when I said goodbye to certain people in my past, I dwell on what happened and why and how and all that crap. I analyze it to death to ensure that yes, I did make the right decision in ruling them out of my life forever. That yes, I wasn’t just overreacting and that yes, I am healthier and a better person without them in my life. There was a person in my life who I thought I got along with really well. However, as the time went on during our friendship, I started noticing things she says and does that make me wonder what kind of crap she has going inside her head. She’d compare herself to me (and everyone else) and that would make me feel bad. It would come to points where I feel like I had to give her compliments about her own life in order not to feel bad about my own and the fact that I’m so happy. I don’t like making excuses as to why I deserve happiness. I don’t like being compared to anyone. I want to share my happiness without feeling guilty about it. That’s what friendships are for, right?

I decided to rule that relationship out of my life last Christmas, when I realized that my pregnancy was just another “thing” that got in the way of her happiness. When it was my moment to shine and look towards my best friends to be happy and giddy for me, she fell short. I didn’t want to live with such negative, jealous energy, so I said goodbye. So why in the world am I still dwelling? It’s not like not being in her life has changed mine dramatically. I still talk to her the same amount as I always did before I broke it off (read: none at all). Nothing’s really changed. She never asked me how I was feeling or doing, and she doesn’t now of course. She never became giddy for me and the new family I’m creating with Dave, and she doesn’t care now of course. So as far as changes go, nothing has really changed. Yet I am so bitter and sometimes even angry that I’m dwelling on the fact that I feel like I’ve put so much into this relationship with nothing to show for it. It’s downright annoying.

I give a lot to my friendships. People in the past may disagree, but to me, I give my all. I try to be there for people, and I expect the same in return. I let a lot of things slide in the name of friendship and respect. I’ve even learned how to be *nice* about things I don’t agree with (yeah, you heard me!). But there are just certain things I can’t live with. I can’t live with a “friend” wanting me to intimately share her misery. I can’t live with a “friend” being jealous that I’m happy and she’s not. I can’t live with a “friend” who gets so caught up in her own crappy life that she can’t even bother asking me how I’m doing. I just can’t live with that. And I know, I shouldn’t feel slighted or angry or anything like that. Most of the time, I’ve moved on. I’m happy that she’s happier now. But goddamn it, would it KILL her to even say congratulations once and mean it, without any weirdness or selfishness behind that word? Would it kill her? Probably.

Yeah, see? I hold grudges, too. I’m not perfect. I fight my demons. When I feel I’ve been wronged, I really go all out with that feeling. Most of the time I do well. I hardly think about her at all. Then other times I catch myself thinking, “Man, I would LOVE to tell her what happened today!!”… and then I realized there’s no “her” there anymore, nor was there ever a “her” there for a long time before I made the end official. I’ve lost “her” years ago, way before my pregnancy. And then I get all angry all over again, and ask the universe why she can’t make this “her” a little more understanding, a little more unselfish, a little more of a friend. Is that too much to ask? Maybe.